Helloooo out there...

It feels, on days like this, that I am living at the very end of the earth. A place where the ocean and the air and the sky all converge in wet steamy fogginess. Today it has stormed 3 times already and it is only noon. And by storm I mean torrential downpour of rain and winds that spread my shoes all over the porch, kill my electricity, rattle the shutters, down the cable, and cause Talay the puppy to cower behind a pillow.

So here is the dilemna. The project is going well and there is a follow up project being planned which will require a Child Protection Specialist. And, amazingly to me, my abilties are being way overestimated and they want me to fill this role. The problem is that I would have to move here for a year. With Jeremy of course. I sort of saw this coming. I know that before June 30th I'll need to have a decision made. However, at this point, drowning in rain and lacking any emails from home today I am feeling like another year might put me over the edge of sanity... If only I could go home for a week to sort things out and get perspective.

Maybe the problem is being 30. That is what I'll blame it on. In my 20s I would have done anything for an opportunity like this. I daydreamed about the title Child Protection Specialist. I even remember applying for jobs in Sudan where I am positive there would be even less entertainment or food available. And suddenly, just this year, I find myself craving more stability and am less interested in jetting off around the world to fight poverty. I actually daydream about travel for vacation's sake -- to, horror of horrors, European countries, where I can be pampered and comfortable. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? How am I supposed to become a specialist and help the world's children if I am living it up in a pension in Italy?
Why are there these two conflicting people living inside of me? It would be so much easier if I just gave up all hope of helping others, became a California real estate agent and lived the high life!

I am afraid that it is dawning on me that you really cannot have it all. Getting the career I want will take it all out of me. But giving it up and sticking around the States seems like an awfully big waste of the last 10 years... Is an opportunity really an opportunity if you don't want to take it?

(Possibly last night of sunshine on the beach-Jer's last night in Bang Niang.)

Drowning now in Bang Niang.